Connection in the Chaos

I wake up at 11 am. Get dressed. Stumble down the stairs.
I eat my cereal from the white bowl with the smallest spoon.
I drink exactly half a cup of juice.
I go back upstairs and lie in my bed looking at my phone until 2 pm.
I check my phone. No new notifications.
I take a nap. Then I wake up flustered, wondering what time it is.
It’s 6 pm.
I eat dinner with my family.
Mom suggests that we watch a movie or play a game.
I tell her I’m too tired and I go back upstairs.
I watch tv until I fall asleep at 2 am.

I wake up. Get dressed. Stumble down the stairs.
Eat cereal from the white bowl with the smallest spoon,
and drink exactly half a cup of juice.
Lie in my bed until 2.
Check my phone. Nothing. Go to sleep.
Wake up flustered, not knowing what time it is.
Check my phone, nothing.
Barely touch dinner.
Deny my mom’s request to watch a movie.
Mindlessly watch tv until I fall asleep at 2 am.

I wake up. Get dressed. Stumble down the stairs.
Eat cereal from the white bowl with the smallest spoon,
and drink exactly half a cup of juice.
Lie in my bed until 2.
Check my phone. Nothing. Go to sleep.
Wake up flustered. Check my phone, nothing.
Barely touch dinner.
Deny my mom’s request to watch a movie.
Mindlessly watch tv until I fall asleep at 2 am.

Wake up. Go downstairs.
Eat cereal with the white bowl and the smallest spoon.
Check my phone. nothing.
Sleep. Wake up.
Check my phone. Nothing.
Eat dinner.
Watch tv. Fall asleep.

Wake up. Cereal in the white bowl with the smallest spoon.
Sleep.
Check my phone. Nothing.
Dinner.
Nothing.
Watch tv. Nothing.
Sleep.

Wake up. Cereal in the white bowl with the smallest spoon.
Nothing.
Sleep.

Wake up. Cereal in the white bowl with the smallest spoon.
Nothing.
Sleep.

Wake up.
Cereal in the white bowl with the smallest spoon.
Sleep.

Wake up.
Cereal in the white bowl with the smallest spoon.
Through hazy, swollen eyes, I check my phone.
There is one new notification.
“How r u? Miss u. :)”

I recognize after a moment that tears are falling down my face.
My dam has broken. So I let it out.

Every day hurts more and more.
I don’t find the motivation to do anything.
This couldn’t be more boring.
Because when I have nothing to do with my time, all I do is think.
Sometimes the thoughts are bad. Sometimes they are scary.
What if this never ends? What if we are stuck inside forever?
The thoughts and fears trap me in my bed all day and don’t let me leave,
So that’s what I do all day. Absolutely and utterly nothing.

Send.

The next day. I wake up. I get dressed. Stumble downstairs.
Today when eating my cereal I use the green bowl and a big spoon